Tag Archives: Relationships

Snooping: Why We Snoop on our spouses- Women share their intimate thoughts.

Listening to these ladies, you’d think your insane for not snooping on your partner’s phone.

Its a calm Friday evening. One of those Fridays one is glad to be home early- just to laze about, replenish and catch up with social media. I’m a member of a ladies only Facebook group. One of the many on Killimani Mums reincarnations on Facebook.

But I find this particular group to be ‘the air that I breath’ as in there, we are sisters who grew up together. Through knee scrapes, acne and now heart breaks. Lots of interesting topics get kneaded here. From home making, parenting, pregnancy, breastfeeding, weaning babies, cooking, handling house helps etc.

Of cause there is the odd scandalous scoop on a relationship gone awry-cheating spouses and the like. Today, thankfully on a Friday so no risk of getting late for work, my sisters were onto snooping on your man’s phone: weather to snoop on our spouses phone or not.

Cheating In The 21st Century

Cheating is a multimillion dollar business in the world over. When you consider divorce statistics such as legal fees paid to divorce lawyers, divorce settlements, alimony payments and the likes, it might as well be a billion dollar industry.

If you were to ask our African mothers and fathers, their opinion on snooping on your spouse, they probably would vouch for the “What you don’t know can’t hurt you mantra.” But you see, a relationship is a commitment. While commitment includes respecting your significant other’s privacy, our upbringing as Africans- where the interests of the collective supersede that of the individual- rubbishes such lofty, if western, ideals on privacy.

Besides, in the 21st century where cheating can go on right under your nose – Boos constantly beeping phone might be nudes streaming in on WhatsApp – the thought of such wanton humiliation might drive one into regrettable situations. Add to that the fact that relationships in the fast -paced 21st century are an enormous investment in time, then snooping becomes a tempting preposition.

This is in spite of relationship experts revealing the negative psychology and widely available, worthwhile advice on overcoming the urge to snoop.  This is what my sisters had to say on snooping: To snoop or not to snoop.

To Snoop Or Not To Snoop On Your Man’s Phone: The Dilemma

Snooping wisdom: marriages are not held together by passwords not wedding rings

“Why do women keep snooping on their men’s  phones?” an irritated Sandra asks. Though not the first comment in the thread, we start of with Sandra’s dilemma. She breaks it down further simplifying the snoop or not to snoop dilemma:

  1. You have your phone why touch his? Unless it is tit for tat thing where you are returning the favor after he went through your phone. As they say, “In love as in war, all is fair.”
  2. Does going through your man`s phone interfere with his personal space?
  3. What makes you think the man is cheating on you and not with you?

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Men Beware! This how you get ensnared! Details on the Art of Snooping

Snooping is a sophisticated art entailing three stages: The Bait, Layering & The Kill. If Lwanda Magere could not read the intentions of the love of his life who’d been given to him as a token of peace for being such a badass? If Samson couldn’t make out Delillah? Who art thou to resist the charm of a woman? A woman who you yourself chose as the fairest & made her queen?

The Bait

A useless token( think of something you won’t ever need such as her ATM pin) will be offered. In exchange, over a period of time, in between kisses, good food and ironed shirts, she will extract the equivalent of your nuclear code: Mobile phone password, Facebook login credentials …the works.

Layering

Your get-out-of-home card will be renewed. Football with the boys, Sunday afternoon car wash with a couple of Tuskers to help you ‘think’ and plan for the week ahead….you name it. You will get it. This is the stage where the game gets sophisticated. Think of it this way: Have you ever been at a wedding reception/outdoor barbecue with the boys holding on to your plate, planning how you going to descend on that juicy steak on bone. Then, in swoops a hawk and your left staring at Waru and rice on your plate? Bro, when the time for the kill comes, you not see it coming.

The Kill

My brother, you will not be able to escape this one. Not unless you don’t sh*t, bathe, sleep or get plastered drunk. Heck! depending on the findings of your phone autopsy, you might even wake up to find the phone fully charged!

Here comes Nancy Drew, Inspekta Sikujua, FBI & KGB : The Snooping junkies aka Spouse spies

In spite of Sandra’s hard questions, as expected, the question:  to snoop or not to snoop split the group right in the middle. Those who felt it as right to snoop gave the following reasons:

Making the most of being single again, one lady asserted that snooping is healthy. She snooped on her spouse and found herself single. With nostalgia, she offers that the snooping added another layer to an already toxic situation when she found heartbreaking communication between her stallion and some damsel. They couldn’t get over the broken trust to start the real conversation that would have given the relationship a chance.

One Janet says she has been snooping all her life and is not about to stop. In fact her spouse wonders why FBI haven`t considered her expertise. She is a natural investigator complete with interrogation questionnaires. Janet even has a formula on how to catch a cheater.

HIV/Aids

Vanessa had a more scientific reason for vouching for snooping as a healthy habit. She expressed her fears  over contracting sexually transmitted infections and HIV/AIDS. An adamant Vanessa quipped that the earlier one knew what their spouse was up to, the better. “Always trust your instincts girls,” she added latter on.

One lady in agreement with Vanessa said “I must snoop so that I can know if there are ARVs to be swallowed.” She is aware of the NaSCOP’s categorization of married couples as a group at risk of HIV/AIDS transmission. But believes that the phenomenon of discordance in couples to be a myth.

In a take only explained by Africa’s proud culture of polygamy, another lady revealed the primary reason for snooping. Weirdly, she wishes to know her co-wives. Not only know of them, but meet them and be  regaled by how her bull seduced them. Furthermore, she would like to know if her kids have other siblings out there. Basically, for this lady, no more birthdays, anniversary celebrations without an invite to her to grace the occasion.

What men can do. Women can do better

Sexual freedom remains a pet project for liberal feminists. With perversity of  hedonism (with no consequences) in the 21st century, one partner snooping advocate had an interesting submission. She said if she realized her spouse was cheating on her, she would not leave him. Instead she would join him in the mud and beat him at his own game.

Another one felt snooping would make her know how many other women her spouse is involved with emotionally so that she doesn’t “waste her feelings,” and find a soulmate for herself too.

Meet Nana, Queen of the phone snoop addicts

Can snooping on your spouses phone be addictive? While addiction to phone use is an area of continuing interests to psychologists, psychiatrists, social and behavioral scientists, anecdotal evidence point towards snooping as addictive.

Take the case of Nana who says she will snoop “till she gets to Golgotha.”She believes one should snoop to get additional information about the spouse.

“What if you are living with a thug, a murderer or someone’s husband thinking you are the main squeeze only to realize that you are the side arrangement?” She asks.

Being a veteran of the feild, Nana cautions that: “Those who suffer from high blood pressure should not snoop.” Laughing as she pens off, she is adamant that she “will be snooping till the earth hits a wall.” or “till Jesus comes back!”

“These men are not our relatives! ” Meet the sophisticated snoops. Those using technology to spy on their spouses.

There is snooping on your partner level Nana then there is level Jane and Immaculate who sit at the top of the pyramid. Immaculate has installed several apps to catch cheaters. There are apps on his phone to spy on Facebook, sms, Watsapp and calls. Anything she can. Asked why she snoops, she quips: “These men are not our relatives!”

Jane is one proud snooper. She spies on her spouse with the help of a phone spy tracker that helps her snoop scary details like: dialed calls, conversation length , intricacies like who called who first; exact time of the call, call frequency in a week,when the contact was saved etc. In a case bordering on OCD, Jane also goes through his mobile money statements. Reason? Information is power!

Jane offers that she’s even used a GPS tracking device to do all the above plus checking the mileage covered in his car in the evening! Reason? Vanity is all I can say. Nothing beats a set mind my sisters. Nothing

His phone is an onion

Rose the first mover  in this cohort condenses the general feeling  here:

“I don’t snoop,he doesn’t snoop =Bliss. What you don’t know won’t hurt you right? I don’t like doing things that will tamper with my sanity”. Adding that she definitely doesn’t want to go out looking for trouble.

Another one feels the moment you troll his phone and see something fishy your life will never be the same again. His phone belongs to him and I leave it to him

Our African parents taught us that snooping a man's phone is a no no!

Rose says she  doesn’t snoop. What would be the objective anyway? To read your messages? Why? If to catch you, what if you are the smart cheats that have vault? I don’t snoop.

One other lady testified the way she used to snoop and it drove her insane. Snooping caused her intractable heartache. Here is her story:

Serah, used to snoop, find ‘suspicious’ numbers then send texts warning them to keep of her property. To her dismay, one day she got the rudest shock of her life. “I got a mad one who replied to a text I had sent her with a lecture! She was told me to get busy and build my life and stop wasting time policing Mr.’s phone!”

Needless to say, today even if Sarah’s husband’s phone burst into flames, she wouldn’t touch it. She has stuck to her lane and it is total bliss!

Meet the sensible Selinas

One lady wondered where these snooping women got the time and the  phones to snoop. Reminding the group the need to to respect her spouse’s phone the way they respected their fathers. She respects her man,his phone and his space.

Whilst Selina agreed with the spy masters on the presumed polygamous nature of African men, she cautioned that snooping was not a solution to infidelity. She even wondered why ladies would want to confirm something that will hurt you and break them? She asserts that you can’t change the ways of grown mature beings.

The Negotiators

There was a small proportion of the group who confessed to not  snooping. One offered a solution based on her experience where she categorically stated that she doesn’t snoop, but once in a while unexpectedly she goes through his phone with his permission.

Well, the reasons as to why people snoop are as diverse and interesting as people themselves. To snoop or not to snoop really depends on the parties involved. My most interesting reason? That some people snoop as a hobby.

But that’s not even the clincher!

While researching this article, I came across this UK study whose findings were presented in The Telegraph . According to this study, men are twice as likely (64% to 32%) ‘mobile’ snoop on their partners! Ain’t that something! Next we’ll have to find out men’s thoughts on snooping.

*Names have been changed to protect identity


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The One Thing You Will Painfully Learn When Your Wife Is Pregnant For the First Time

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. For women who have made the choice to bring forth life, their testimony is universally one of profound joy. Pregnancy does not only bring life, but being pregnant completes life as these gallant women attest. So for us husbands, it is an honor to accompany your mate/wife in this journey.

Granted, most couples miss the first signs of pregnancy

My “We are pregnant Honey!” moment arrived via a WhatsApp text in the middle of the night. 11:30pm.Monday night, I think. I was away on business, she was at home holding forte. The message bore no words, just a picture of home pregnancy test. Two lines never before bore such symbolism.

home pregnancy test remains the commoner ways to know if you are pregnant

I was going to be a father. I remember that I called my wife as soon as I saw the message. For what it’s worth, I can’t remember details of that conversation with my wife that night.

All future dads to be, highlight this one: For all the biology you learn in school, it can be easy to miss the early signs of pregnancy. Just so that you know, future dads to be, morning sickness kicks in much later after that missed period.

I did what any regular Joe would do when caught out cold. Later, I stepped out of the hotel room took my two beers and quite soundly, I slept.

What’s it Like Being a First Time Father?

I don’t know why but I expected the morning to be different. Nothing happened. I waited nights and days for ‘something’. Again nothing! You see, there all these notions on TV of husbands with pregnant wives.

Yes, you do have to go to the doctor’s office time and again so as to be on the safe side of life threatening pregnancy conditions. Yes, she will need other clothes but not to mean a new wardrobe. Your pregnant wife will enjoy some foods more than others and at the same time won’t be able to stand other foods. Most of the time though, she still will be the girl you know.

Circa 280 days of earnestly waiting later, I held her in my arms. She was a tiny beautiful thing which at the time, I struggled to find any semblance with myself. She wailed and I stared. I didn’t know what to do with her but just to hold her.

Seemingly picking up on my lost stare, the midwife offered that the mother being with the baby at the time, would be the thing to do. That the wailing would turn on a switch in my wife’s brain and the milk would flow. Then the baby would get fed and everyone would be happy. Save for a diaper change, colic, vaccination nights and even sleep.

Rinse and repeat.


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Onto My Arms

Now, can you believe that? All through the nine months, as I waited for ‘something’ the two, my pregnant wife and unborn child, were already at it. Doing stuff like wiring up switches in each other’s brains and lying down the piping to let the milk flow on certain cues!

In the delivery room, there I stood with this silly look on my face. Relieved at a smooth childbirth. In awe of my wife and in every way a messy ball of nervousness and joy. And still with that waiting for ‘something’ feeling.

Handing over our baby, I took it in as my whole world immersed in this joyful ‘reunion’. Standing a few feet away, I could see feel the deep joy in my wife’s face.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Let me tell you this bros, nobody prepares you for this kind of stuff.Nothing compares, really to the separation. Before she was your pregnant wife. Loving her meant offering your pillow, a back rub or getting her that expensive cake. It was simple really, as the object of your affection was one. Now before you there is your wife, your son/daughter and the mother of your child. Bro, you’ve got to learn how to love each one of them all over again.

Hollywood’s artistic liberty lets you focus on the trivialities of getting pregnant such as dealing with exaggerated pregnancy signs like the dreaded cravings. The best you will get from the boys is that bro hug congratulating you. Your folks will be busy choosing names.

All these shenanigans whilst the real deal all slips by you.

You will notice your wife slow down and you will naively dismiss it as all those pregnancy changes weighing in on her.Once you come to know what really matters, it will be too late. The painful truth catches up with you leaving you forever playing catch up.

The painful truth: Daddy, this is what you’ve been missing out on

Through out the morning sickness, swelling of feet, hyper-acidity, breathlessness and beautiful skin; the two- your pregnant wife and unborn child- came to know each other.

The relationship between my wife and daughter, was solemnized by those two lines on the home pregnancy kit. For your case, the “we are pregnant moment” served to kick start your protector instincts: Health insurance, booking appointments with the obstetrician etc.

While all these are signs of love, but still quite unlike your pregnant wife, and your unborn child who set off on the journey to getting to know each other. For mother and daughter, the pregnancy is just but a period to get over small talk awkwardness. Little wonder then such songs in praise of mama

In retrospect, I could have done better with the waiting for ‘something’. Maybe I should have spent more time feeling my daughter’s baby kicks through my wife’s pregnant belly.  Who knows if the high fives would have set us on a journey similar to that brought on by cravings, back aches and the munchies. One thing is for sure: Once beaten twice shy.


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See What Happens When You Exercise As A Couple

We reveal why alongside ice cream, chocolates, flowers, movie dates and other fun relationship stuff; couples exercise is becoming a new favorite. Before we embark on this journey of discovery, we first have to all accept this truism of love in the 21st century: The energy expended when starting  a relationship pales to the energy needed to keep the fire burning.

When starting out as a couple, Saturday afternoon movie/game; then probably checking in at the local bar for a couple and topping off the night with some Ariana Grande style side to side action is pretty much standard stuff.

Months into the relationship, the standard becomes stale. The answer as to why this happens is what keeps relationship advice columns alive. Truth is it’s nobody’s fault really. Neither is it about getting kids or the joy of starting a family. Rather, its a consequence of the human condition which sees to it that our appetites for any of the fun couple stuff whimsically fluctuate.

Truth is, it’s impossible to always be in sync as a couple. It’s even harder to repeatedly understand and compensate for the randomness of your partner’s whims. Love simply shouldn’t be that tasking. Not even if you are a self-confessed randomness, down- for-whatever, junkie.

5 Ideas As You Embark On Couples Exercise

  • It is said that for a healthy relationship, lovers need some time away. When you chose to exercise as a couple, be careful to spare each other some me time.
  • Couples exercise should not replace the wine-ing, dinning and other forms of TLC. Yes we have seen how we can save some money, but this shouldn’t be an excuse for an indulgent evening with your partner.
  • Exercise could be incorporated into dates- hiking to your picnic site, swimming with branch by the poolside
  • Couples exercise classes for can be a gift with a personal touch: Yoga lessons, mountain biking, skiing lessons, gardening books, golf clubs are just some suggestions.
  • Be creative! Learn to play with each other again: Make it interesting by promising each other niceties like rub downs after the exercise session.

Discovering couple exercise has been invaluable in disrupting routine– whose only crime is it’s inclination to make couples unappreciative to each other. Here is what my experience has been like

Couples Who Exercise Together Have A Better Sex Life

It is said that a house that eats together stays together. Likewise, couples who play together stay together. How does couple exercise translate to a better, more frequent time between the sheets?

Well, huffing and puffing as a couple in a tennis court/swimming pool etc helps in negating less savory exchanges that are granted reality in every relationship.

How is it so? It’s simple really. With the physical tiredness and pump in spirits after a game of badminton with my wife, I can’t for instance get around going on about trivialities like why she forgot to pick up the mail despite me reminding her to.


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At that moment really, all you want really is to freshen up and re-hydrate. Picking up on petty fights just doesn’t cut. Maybe it’s because exercise releases endorphins which have a calming effect.

While this still holds when you exercise alone, when couples exercise together there are other fringe benefits as opportunities abound for foreplay.

We all know how easy it is to pull off sexy in gym wear. Thanks to popular culture, our minds have already been primed to associate exercise with vitality. Moreover, as you sweat it out, potent aphrodisiacs,pheromones, are released. Besides, exercise is said to lead to a boost in testosterone levels in males. Testosterone is the oil that runs the engines.

When Couples Exercise Together, They Reaffirm Their Commitment To Each Other

The health benefits of exercise are well known. Physical activity of whatever form,done every day however way you like it is the latest World Health Organization’s recommendation for a healthy 21st century.

Exercise decreases the chances of development of lifestyle diseases like obesity, hypertension, diabetes and cancer. As I have come to experience at the end of the now more frequent evening walks with my wife; when a couple exercise together, they subliminally signal to each other this comforting message:

I want you to enjoy good health. To be healthy for you so that we can realize the future that we have planned together. I want to grow old and grey with you.

ELderly male, eyes closed, lost in the embrace of dance illustrates what the fringe benefits of an activity like dancing as couples exercise
I’ll be there for you

Exercise Together as a Couple as a Strategy to Save for your Dreams

With a little ingenuity, working out together as a couple could turn out to be cheaper. What welcome news that is living in the 21st century,where austerity seems to be the norm and managing personal and family finances a full time job.

You’d be surprised with the options here. Take the case that when couples exercise together, they can teach each other new stuff that they otherwise would have paid for as individuals.

For us, my wife did yoga before we were. Thanks to that, I don’t have to pay to learn deep breathing exercises. Not even my internet service provider to stream You Tube. For you, the case might be access to discounts on your gym membership or even saving up on the trip to the gym by car pooling.

The trick I have come to learn when starting to deal with finances as a couple, you need to budget and avail funds as it were the case when you were single.

Take that as far as is feasible, then divert the funds where there is duplication to a common saving account to fund that holiday, new home, college fund, cooking class or whatever it’s your collective and individual dreams are.

As you do so, make provisions for adjusting appropriately to cover for over the top expenses that may arise as the consolidated budget is now catering for more people rather than one.

Pssssst! Would you believe it that all this financial advice came about  from the decision to embark on the journey to exercise as a couple?

When Couples Exercise Together, They Become Tuned To Each Other Resulting in Better Life Chemistry

Depending on the choice of work out, when couples exercise together they can learn how to corporate with each other; this holding them in good stead in the building their love nest.

This realization came to us whilst watching a You Tube video of performance of a couple in one of those XYX Got Talent Shows. My wife and I were in awe of the beauty of the fine performance that deservedly got a standing audition from the audience.

tango can be good couple exercise

The dancers, husband and wife, were not only perfectly tuned to each others moves, but also to the music. With every graceful move, they fit into each other lock and key in awesome synchrony.

No doubt that the two were professionals, but it got us thinking of the possibilities of forming a bad ass partnership like that. What achieving that would mean for our nascent business and how exercising together could help set us on that path.

Couple Exercise as a Route to Attaining  Personal Fitness Goals

It’s April and by now, New Year resolutions have gotten cold and old. Among the lists of many at the turn of every year is to exercise more.But alas! Like flowers these declarations wither as soon as the celebratory fireworks die off.

Exercising as a couple could just be the way to keep these goals alive as the lovers offer each other moral and emotional support for the reasons given above.


Know. Own. Be. Live the African Century. Everyday Tips on Life, Style, Entrepreneurship and Careers for the 21st Century African